Man and His Booze

Men and alcohol is a match made in heaven. I think that wedding vows would apply more effectively and consistently to men and booze. I find the fit and harmony pleasantly remarkable.

Take a look at an edited sample of a traditional wedding vow:

Will you love (booze), comfort (booze), honor and keep (booze), in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon (booze) your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto (booze) as long as you both shall live?

What are two has now become one. What was put together let no one put asunder.

Looking at it, it’s the perfect marriage. When you examine the precepts mentioned in the matrimonial vow, Men and Booze make a happy couple.

Love booze? Of course it’s a given if you’re a man. You might not like it at first, but as you continue to drink, it grows on you. Suddenly without rhyme or reason, without you noticing, you now have an affectionate regard towards alcohol. You then reach the point where you can’t live without it. If that is not love, then what is?

And we do honor alcohol. Do we not we use it during mass? Do we not we make toasts with it? Do we not we keep vintage wines and exquisite whiskeys in high esteem? Do we not spend a considerable sum of time and money when it comes to booze?

In sadness and joy there is booze. Have a reason to celebrate? We drink. Got dumped? We drink. Depressed? We drink. Won the lotto? We drink. In calamities and triumphs, booze is always at our side.

When it comes to devotion, men couldn’t be more devoted to booze. Booze is man’s best friend. Booze makes a man open up his heart and it will listen to men without fatigue or judgment. Now that’s a big thing. Also, booze is forgiving and comforting. It gives men a brief but much needed release from the harshness of life. When you had a bad day, you go: “I think I need a drink.”You don’t say: “I think I need to see my girl”, or “I think I need to go to church.” Also consider that in wine there is truth. Booze brings out the hidden depths or shallowness of a man. Men find things about themselves thanks to alcohol. Because of booze, men discover the hero and the devil within. The great guy and the jerk lurking in his heart. And booze is also a ready teacher of lessons in moderation. You drink too much, you get a hangover. You drink too much, you throw up. Booze teaches you all this. And even if we don’t learn our lesson, booze patiently makes us throw up and have hangovers until we know better. For all of this, men are devoted to his drink.

And men forsake everything when they drink. When drinking, all men think of is to drink some more. You know how some wives have to drag their husbands from the table, or how fights start when the woman calls for the man in the presence of his buddies. It’s simply hard to separate man from his drink.

Speaking of separation, only death can separate man and his drink. People stop boozing because they die. You have drunk driving, drunken arguments resulting to murder, and liver deterioration and hypertension. So the only way men stop drinking is when they are dead, or in the process of being killed by booze. And men cling to their drink. This is because when men stop drinking, it’s like dying in a way. Life is not fun anymore. It lost its original color of splendor. You lost contentment in your placement in the world. You lost something important that allows you to stomach the interesting things in this life. Man and Booze, till death do them apart.

It’s a very comic fit. It’s funny how sometimes men love their booze more than their women. If men could only have sexual relations with booze and have children with booze, women would be rendered obsolete. (Of course this is a harsh or sexist thing to say, but take it in the spirit of comedy. Meaning, none of this is serious, unless you take it to be.)

And women always hate it when their men take to booze. It’s paranoid jealousy (it’s redundant, I know). If I was a woman, I would certainly find it disturbing that my man spends more time, laughs more and even opens his heart more to booze. Then think about how hard you had to work your womanly charms just for your man to buy you something, and compare it to how cash flows like a ruptured dam when it comes to booze. It can be frightening; it would be devastating for a woman to find out her real status in her man’s value hierarchy. That between her and booze, booze has the upper hand.

This is why booze is an enemy of women (add to this the fact that most unplanned pregnancies are not due to Cupid’s amorous influence, but due to Bacchus’ intoxicating power). It takes away their man’s time, money and attention. And when a man comes home drunk, there is no hope for some late night action.

Maybe this is the reason why women take to booze themselves. If you can’t beat them, join them. Maybe if women can also have children and sex with booze, then we won’t need each other. All we need is just a good old bottle of beer to comfort and keep us company as we travel through life drinking ourselves to contentment and death.