Silenced Through Silence

It was just a normal conversation but I had to mention something about the Absurd. I asked, "Don't you get the feeling that waking and getting up each morning is something unsettling?" I understood that it was a question loaded with a lot of philosophical junk, so I tried to explain the ideas of consciousness, being, the Absurd, and the desire for meaning. But the reply that I got was, "You're weird. Why do you even think about such things?"

I tried my best to explain myself once more. But she just gazed down at her plate of pasta in silence, looking annoyed and zoning me out. She would look up at me from time to time to show apparent interest, but she couldn't resist looking to the side with a slight frown on her eyebrows. She would then look down again at her plate and twirl the pasta on her fork. I think she was desperately wishing for me to stop yakking. She said nothing, but she expressed a lot. And so I stopped. I was silenced through silence. It was awkward since it lasted for a while, but she got the talk going again about an old friend and common acquaintance. We both looked relieved for before that I knew we were both wishing we were somewhere else but with each other. 

What interests me in that situation is the feeling of devastation. I felt my life drifting away as if she was slowly sinking a knife into my heart. Just like that soldier in Saving Private Ryan. There was the feeling of powerlessness, despair, and the sureness of the impending end. I felt like I was murdered magnificently. She managed to erase and deny my existence with ease and nonchalance. 

That was one of the occasions when you can see the opaqueness of the usually invisible wall between persons. It was like trying to talk through a clear soundproof glass. You know of each other's presence, but the words and thoughts just won't pass through. I felt like I was at the confined side of the glass inside an insane asylum. She never said a word, but the words "crazy" and "insane" sounded in my head with her own voice. I made no sense to her, and she didn't seem too fond of speaking with a lunatic. 

But what seems to be lacerating was how she stayed silent. It was a polite silence yet filled with restrained annoyance. I was pestering her, but she wouldn't want to be inconsiderate. But this quietude was not passive; it was the same as telling me to shut up and that she does not want to hear anymore. It seemed like it pained her to hear me talk like a madman, and I should stop humiliating myself for it's embarrassing for her to keep listening. It was pity mixed with contempt. I was just insulted out of politeness. 

I can still remember the anger and frustration. When words and thoughts don't connect, it's alienating. When it happens to you and people that you know, it's unsettling. You become strangers in an instant. The bridge that connects became a bridge that divides. You try to cross it, but it seems to spread out infinitely. The crack that would shatter the bond finally appeared, and it was just a matter of time before the shattering. 

She was not at fault. I would like to say it was all mine, but I don't think that would be true. I guess I should have chosen my audience. I'm not looking for anything or anyone to blame; I just needed an explanation. The difference between persons? It may be the possible cause, but I am far from consoled. What I know is even silence can cut deep into the heart and soul. Even politeness can carry the deepest insult. I'd prefer being silenced through violence than through silence. Humans have the latent talent to hurt each other. Even without knowing and willing, we give each other the gift of pain. All it takes is to silence someone with silence.